December 7th, 2005

Time: 04:32 pm Current Mood: pissed off

Sometimes I wonder if I ever meant anything to you. I guess I don't understand how, if I did, you could be so casual about letting things slide away. Oh I know all the sayings and I know I'd be told that you don't know what I'm talking about, so I guess here it is, laid you. You can talk all you want about not being a phone person and all the things that go along with it. You can talk all you want about being an email person. Well guess what, every time I called I got sent to voice mail. Every time I called I left you a message. Every single time and I got nothing back, NOTHING, so why should I feel like you want anything to do with me? I didn't get an instant message, I didn't get an email. I used to get the emails you'd send that were mass mailings about your picture updates, but nothing personal, nothing personal addressed to me and only me. So tell me, where in all of that, does it tell me you actually want to have anything to do with me? It doesn't. It tells me that I've become nothing more than an acquaintance to you, or worse, I've become invisible. My phone calls, my voicemails, they all turned into nothing to you, and then you have the balls to turn around nearly a year later, get a myspace, and want to add me to it?! Sorry honey, you need to be a FRIEND to get me to add you, and you've not demonstrated that we're friends in a long time. So I stopped. I stopped putting forth the effort to be your friend because I was getting nothing in return. Why should I put myself forward time and time again to try and hold onto a friendship when nothing is given back to me? I found the answer already so you don't need to answer. If you honestly want to be my friend, pick up the phone and call me, my phone number hasn't changed. Or send me an email, I'm sure you can find my address, that hasn't changed either. I'm done being the only one that works to keep us together. I've lost everyone I once had in college, everyone, and I've lost friends I've made outside of college too. I decided to finally get a backbone. I finally decided to stand up for myself. I deserve to be treated better than you were treating me. I deserve to have friends who WANT to talk to me and don't just ignore every attempt I make. Sure, I probably should have written this months ago, you probably don't even check this anymore to see if I write anything, but get this, people I've never met before in my life have been better friends to me than you have been. People who live in other countries have been better friends to me than you have been. So tell me why I should add you? Tell me why I should let you into my life after you turned your back on it so many months ago? Because honestly, I don't see one single reason to. I'm better off with friends who actually want to put effort into our friendship and who will at least say something to me if I leave them a message of any sort. I'm better off with friends in other parts of the world, other countries, other states, living 10+ hours away than with you, living only about 5 hours away and having nothing to do with me. Its sad when I can count someone I met maybe two years ago as a better friend than you, who I've now known for five years? You used to tell me that I was crazy to think that you didn't want to have anything to do with me, what happened to that? I have friends who have flown in to see me and do things with me, you can't even call me. I have a friend who came from SCOTLAND to see me, and you can't email me. How is that being a friend to me? I've cried over the loss of our friendship. I've cried in frustration to why every single phone call I made to you went into voicemail. Did you even listen to them? did you look at your phone and say 'oh, its elin, i'll let it go to voicemail?' because thats how it feels. it feels like you put my calls to voicemail and then just deleted them. You don't seem to understand that in the end I just want my friends to occasionally acknowledge me, to think of me and pick up the phone, or send me an email or something just to see how I'm doing. I picked up the phone every week, sometimes more than once a week, to call you, and you simply ignored every last one of them. Well I'm done. Unless you can prove to me that you deserve my friendship as much as my friends who I met online have it, I don't think I want to let you back in and let you have teh chance to hurt me again by turnnig your back on me. did you ever really care after you left college? It sure as hell doesn't feel like it.

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April 20th, 2005

Time: 12:09 pm

Your dating personality profile: Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love. Wealthy/Ambitious - You know what your goals are and you pursue them vigourously. Achieving success is important to you. Shy - You are often timid around others, though you will open up when the right person comes along. Your date match profile: Big-Hearted - You want someone compassionate, someone gentle and kind. A loving, nurturing person will fill that hole in your life. Outgoing - Shy and timid people are not who you are after. You need someone with a vibrant personality to breathe life into a relationship. Funny - You consider a good sense of humor a major necessity in a date. If his jokes make you laugh, he has won your heart. Your Top Ten Traits 1. Big-Hearted 2. Wealthy/Ambitious 3. Shy 4. Adventurous 5. Romantic 6. Traditional 7. Sensual 8. Funny 9. Conservative 10. Religious Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Big-Hearted 2. Outgoing 3. Funny 4. Sensual 5. Adventurous 6. Practical 7. Conservative 8. Traditional 9. Religious 10. Wealthy/Ambitious Take the Online Dating Personality Quiz at Dating Diversions

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April 19th, 2005

Time: 11:46 pm Current Mood: sad

Tears Tearful cries From heart's dark eyes The soul within depressed Love's embrace Withholds its face Trust shows a darker side Hope destroy Whats left of joy The heart sheds tears of blood Painful days This life betrays Faith falls from my grasp

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January 25th, 2005

Time: 09:51 pm

I thought that I could always count on you, I thought that nothing could become between us two. We said as long as we would stick together, We’d be alright, We’d be ok. But I was stupid And you broke me down I’ll never be the same again. So thank you for showing me, That best friends can not be trusted, And thank you for lying to me, Your friendship and good times we had you can have them back I wonder why it always has to hurt, For every lesson that you have to learn. I won’t forget what you did to me, How you showed me things, I wish I’d never seen. But I was stupid, And you broke me down, I’ll never be the same again. So thank you for showing me, That best friends can not be trusted, And thank you for lying to me, Your friendship the good times we had you can have them back When the tables turn again, You’ll remember me my friend, You’ll be wishing I was there for you. I’ll be the one you’ll miss the most, But you’ll only find my ghost. As time goes by, You’ll wonder why, You’re all alone. So thank you for showing me, That best friends can not be trusted, And thank you for lying to me, Your friendship and good times we had you can have them back. So thank you, for lying to me, So thank you, for all the times you let me down So thank you, for lying to me, So thank you, your friendship you can have it back

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January 13th, 2005

Time: 03:16 pm

so I'm having surgery on Feburary 9th, don't know what time yet, they'll let me know February 8th...pretesting is the 3rd....I'm really not looking forward to what could possibly be a month of recovery to get my life back to normal and being able to drive normally....not looking like a fun prospect at all.

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December 1st, 2004

Time: 04:12 pm Current Mood: tired

so I've decided to do Christmas cards this year, if you'd like one, comment with your address and I'll try to be sure to get you one, all comments will be screened so no one else can see them.

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November 23rd, 2004

Time: 09:45 pm

you are cold hearted bitches who have no consideration of what it is you're doing to people who are not at all at fault for what is going on.  You have no consideration of the fact that you sought out someone to take out your frustrations with someone else over.  Fine, take your punishments out on people who actually upset you within your own community, don't go into other areas and seek out reasons to ban other people just because they're friends of the people who you are banning.  what you're doing makes no sense, and all you're blabbing about not starting drama?  what do you think going into another community to find a reason to ban somone is doing?  What happened to your 'three strikes' rule?  What happened to that rule when you found a person, in another community, who didn't fit what you wanted them to fit and happened to belong to and post in your community but never broke 1 of the rules you so seriously uphold?  what happened to that rule then?  Just because this one person happens to be a friend of someone else you're banning does not automatically make them someone to ban.  Just because you don't like what they write, or how they write or what their hearts, souls, or minds come up with does not mean you should, in a public forum, call them shitty, or what they write shitty.  Do you have any consideration for any one else's feelings or life but those whom are your friends and whom you agree with and like?  Seriously, grow the fuck up, learn to diferentiate between being fair and just being a bitch.  Your actions and and words make me ashamed of being in the same fandom as you.  Its children, yes, children, I'm your elder, I can use that word in referance to you, because honestly, you aren't an adult yet, its children like you who destroy things for the rest of us, its children like you who go on power trips and think you're all righteous for what you're doing.  You're not.  You're a heartless bitch, every single one of you.  Single out four people to publicly demean, tear down and treat like dirt as if they aren't human and you consider yourself to be someone that the rest of us should respect?  I have no respect for you at all.  You are childish and need to learn to respect the feelings of others even if you don't agree with them.

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November 10th, 2004

Time: 12:17 pm

so I think I've decided to abandon this journal....I'm moving on and I just feel that this journal is old. I don't think I'll delete it, at least not yet, but I think i'm gonna abandon it for a while....*shrugs* yeah.

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October 13th, 2004

Current Music: WBCN Subject: pointless ramblings... Time: 12:25 pm Current Mood: tired

So I don't have a whole lot to write about, and technicaly I'm supposed to be doing work right now, so I'm gonna attempt to make this kinda short. Work is going rather well, I get the next week here alone in the office as my boss will be gone on vacation, which will be nice and I'm looking forward to working on my own again for a while. We've now sold six houses, with our seventh on Friday and eighth on sunday before signing the remaining eleven after she returns from her vacation. This means good things for me in that I'm gonna get a fair chunk of money that I'll be putting toward my student loans, this beautiful ring I've been dying to own, as well as Christmas presents for family and friends. Hopefully they'll raise my commission rate after my review in December, the good thing about that is that its retroactive to the beginning of November, so the next set of lots we release I'll get the increased commission on, which will be very nice, I just hope they give me a good increase and not just a joke. In other news, Sarah has gotten permission from her parents to fly all the way out to New England next month for the Good Charlotte show up in Lowell. I was hoping to get to go with someone who is a real Good Charlotte fan, I mean I had fun last time when I went with Nick, but it'll be even better because he wasn't a GC fan at all. So Sarah's mom is buying her plane ticket on Friday and she'll fly out here on Saturday the 13th, and then fly home on Monday the 15th. I feel bad that its such a short trip, but it'll be cool to see her again and get to go see GC with her again, since we had such an awesome time at Warped together. Life is going well, my mom is down in Virginia right now visiting my cousin and her baby, I'm still not sure when I'm gonna get to go down and see them, but I hope its before too long, so we'll see. Everythings just so crazy in my life now that I dunno when I'm gonna get down there... Anyway, thus ends my pointless ramblings...later!

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Time: 12:07 am Current Mood: amazing

its amazing.... THE ULTIMATE SILENCE October 12, 1998 Six years ago today, Matthew Shepard was murdered for being homosexual. What will you do to end the silence? Click here to post this on your own page or weblog

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October 7th, 2004

Current Music: GC - The Truth Subject: Life Amazes Me... Time: 05:00 pm Current Mood: crazy

It amazes me how someone can claim to be close to you and promise you that they'll never do to you what you fear most, that they'll never do to you what all those others have done to you. It's amazing how we let ourselves trust someone and we essentially give them the keys to hurting us, we give them, willingly, the ability to hurt us, and we do it virtually without thought. We then wonder, after they've ripped our hearts from our bodies, how it is that this happened and why it is that we're suddenly in pain over it all, yet we're the ones who handed them the knife in the first place. I know this sounds extremely cynical and pessimistic, but its the truth. Every person we let into our lives and trust, we're handing them a gilded dagger thats tied on a string to our hearts and the only person that dagger can be used on is us, they can't used it on anyone else. One could say that we're asking them to hurt us, or one could say that we're giving them the means to hurt us, but trusting them not to, but the thing is, you don't really know if they are worthy of that trust, or if they'll take that trust that we hand them and use it to stab us in the back at a future point. I know its an extremely hard way to look at things, but its the truth. There are some people who, when handed this trust, are worth every bit of it and will live up to the trust we put in them, but then there is everyone else who will only use that trust, consciously or not, to hurt us in the end. What does this all come down to then? This all comes down to one thing, be careful of who you trust, and don't trust easily. Sure, thats harsh in many ways, but in order to safeguard yourself thats what must be done. I guess what I'm getting at is that I don't want to trust so easily anymore. I don't want to meet someone, know them for a few minutes or a few days, and just trust them. I don't want to do this because I'm so tired of getting that dagger stabbed into my back and my heart ripped out. Its happened so many times now that I'd have thought I would have learned my lesson, but I obviously have not. I continue to trust those that aren't worthy of my trust, and I continue to allow them to hurt me over and over again. I keep looking at myself as weak, seeing myself as a glutton for punishment, and this punishment being the kind that comes from my own friends. I don't deserve that, no matter what else I've thought in my life, I don't deserve that in the slightest. I'm sick and tired of laying myself out like a doormat to be used and abused by those I consider friends. I'm sick and tired of giving everything of myself, putting myself wholeheartedly into a friendship only to have it shoved back into my face. I'm sick and tired of being the only one to truly put effort into relationships and recieving nothing in return. I'm sick and tired of letting everyone walk all over me, use me, use my money, just for their benefit. I won't do it anymore, and I won't let it be done to me anymore. I can't believe all this time I trusted you, trusted you like I would have my own family, considered you my closest and best friend, and you took that dagger to my heart. Well, you know what, fuck you! Thats right, I'm so sick and tired of your bullshit and all the crap you've laid on me. I'm so sick and tired of every one of your empty and broken promises. I'm sick of being used for your enjoyment. Yeah, you might have been the one that turned your back on me, but I'm gonna be teh one that says never again. Never again will I allow you to do what you've done to me in the past months, never again will I give you the ability to hurt me. You used your ability, and thats the only time you'll have the chance. I will forever regret handing you that dagger and trusting you to never use it. I don't want you in my life, you're not worth my time and energy. Your promises aren't worth the words used to make them, or the breath used to utter them. Our friendship is over, obviously, you've made that so abundantly clear, even though you didn't say a word. I deserve more respect from you than that, but you didn't deem to give it to me. This is it, this is over, I don't want you in my life, I don't want to think about what you've done, and I don't want to concern myself with you anymore, you don't deserve it from me. As far as I'm concerned, this ends, now. Well, another week and more contracts signed. As it looks, by the end of the day Monday we'll have a total of 8 contracts out of 19 signed, which is good for me, means money. I'm looking at returning to having my two days off next week, which is good and I'm looking forward to that. I'm so tired of these one day off weeks, I need the time off. I have to make an appointment to see my doctor soon, I need to get a check up for my headaches, not to mention just a general check up, its been a while. I'm so tired right now, and I wanna go home, but I should stick around for at least another 20 minutes....I mean, I am supposed to be here till 6....ah well....

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October 4th, 2004

Current Music: GC - S.O.S. (the whole new cd, both of them, to be honest) Time: 06:19 pm Current Mood: enraptured

Yep, another lyrics post.  Why?  Because lyrics say it so much better than I do ( The Truth )

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Time: 09:34 am Current Mood: excited

MY COUSIN HAD HER BABY!  at 3:28am Steven Carl Johnson joined this world at 7 pounds 2 ounces and aproximately 20.8 inches long.  This means my mom is now an auntie-grandma (lol) and I'm an 'aunt'...sorta *grins*  I'm so excited I can't wait to get to Virginia and see them!

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October 2nd, 2004

Time: 11:27 pm

I'm so tired...I'm hoping to be getting Monday off because they're supposed to be paving the road and parkinglot to my office, so that we won't be able to get in there during the day, but I have this really bad feeling that they're gonna make us to to the Division office and work out of there....I just want a day off, I want two days off so that I can try and get my body back into balance, cuz its really out of wack right now, and I need to make it better.  One day off would be okay, two even better, a whole week even better than that!  However it doesn't look like I'll get a whole week off anytime soon.  On the other hand I should start making commissions again soon, which will be really good. oh, so my brother's car died about an hour away, and dad had to go pick him up, that was at least 3 hrs ago and they're not back yet....*sigh* so anyway, yeah, lifes busy, Im missing homecoming this weekend, and I'm looking forward to signing these agreements so that I can start getting commissions again, it'll be nice to be making some money again, maybe I'll pay off my loans in one swoop, which would be nice.

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September 28th, 2004

Time: 12:57 pm Current Mood: exhausted

So, I'm not quite sure what to udpate, things are kinda crazy and all, and life is clipping along. Some things have changed in my life, and some things havent...I still can't stand my boss sometimes, i mean, theres only so much I can take. Its worse when I have to see or hear from her every day without fail. I just need some time away, some time to myself. I'm trying to figure out when I'm gonna take some time off, I need to. She's leaving on the 16th for a week of vacation, which will be good cuz then I'll have a whole week to myself in the office, which will be nice, I haven't had that in a while. I'm also hoping to get back to having two days off during the week, this one day off just isn't cutting it in the slightest. Its worse this week because I don't REALLY have a day off at all. I'm being given Friday off, but why is it really not a day off? Because I have to be at our division office at about 8 that morning for a corporate meeting, and then I have the rest of the day off, which doesn't do me any good because I have to go to bed extra early the night before, and I don't get to sleep in the next day. So tell me how THAT is a day off? it isn't, and my next day off after that is the following Wednesday. I'm being told that I MIGHT get to go back to two days off teh week after, but then again who knows. this is killing me, I'm so exhausted right now and its got me so frustrated. I realized just how tired and frustrated I am driving in the morning with a headache and bitching out just about every driver I passed who did one thing I didn't like. I need a vacation, I haven't had an actual vacation since July, and that would typically be fine, except with the stress of opening and everything. I haven't even had a real weekend in a while... My cousin should be having her baby very soon, I mean, it could literally be ANY day now...I can't wait to hear that she's gone into labor, I can't wait to almost be an aunt. That may sound confusing to you all, but my cousin lost her mother almost 6 years ago now, and her mom was my mom's sister, and she calls my mom Auntie-Mom, so its almost like she's almost my sister, and therefore I'll almost be an aunt. *grins* and I plan to spoil that child too! I do know that I intend to go down and spend as much time with my cousin as possible once she has the baby, so I'm hoping to take a whole week, but when I meantioned it to my boss she was like 'oh you can take two extra days' and I'm like, um.....yeah, so 4 days as opposed to 7 to fly down to Virginia and stay with my cousin, that would only end up being really 3 days cuz one of those days would be spent in flight and all....no, I want a full week, she's taking a full week this coming month, I want a full week of my own! *grumbles* so yeah, I dunno what else to say, I'm so tired I can'te ven think straight right now, so please excuse the ramble and the tiredness that leads to a lack of much to say. oh yeah, one more thing, not going to homecoming :o( stupid appointments this week...*sigh*

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September 19th, 2004

Current Music: GC - Predictable Time: 08:43 pm Current Mood: exhausted

Hell hath begun....thats right people, the life that is my hell has begaun.  Okay, so it isn't quite hell, but we opened the new community yesterday and we released  19 lots to be sold, well, after two days about 35 appointments we have deposits on all 19 and backups on about 12 of them.  This means that we saw a lot of people, some who didn't put deposits or a back up down, but wanted to talk to us all the same.  We had appointments every 20 minutes starting at 9:30 yesterday and 10:30 this morning, both days we ended up running late, and today were ended up running 1 hr late.  It was absolute chaos!  In two days we had 40 people in our office, now, our office is the size of a trailer, and we, at one time, had probably a good 15 people in said trailer including sales staff...it was absolute chaos!  But this weekend is over.  Now comes the next part which includes going through options for the houses, then signing the Purchase and Sales agreement for these 19 homes, and then 45 days after I get to meet every single one of them and go through their color selection options.  The bad thing about all this though....they didn't give me the raise I was hoping for prior to opening.  This means I'm still making the same amount as I was making back in Shrewsbury, and I'm gonna be doing a hell of a lot more work for the next two months, and making the same, it totally sucks.  I should be getting a raise in November though, I'm just hoping they'll double my commission like they did last time, because seriously, I don't make THAT much, I don't make as much as people seem to think I do.  I just live like I make a lot more than I really do, which I guess I should stop doing cuz my expenses sometimes out do my earnings...*cringe*  so anyway, hell weekend is over

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September 15th, 2004

Current Music: Good Charlotte - Predictable & The Chronicles of Life & Death (acoustic) Subject: GC Predictable Time: 01:40 am Current Mood: tired

Well, I promised the lyrics earlier, and I found them online and checked them, they're about 99.9% accurate, i think they missed one word (and) in there somewhere, but I lost the energy to try and fix that.  I'm not sure you can see what it is I was talking about about how this fits my life, if you know me well enough I think you will, if not, well, i can explain it to you.  GC has a way of putting my emotions and feelings into words better than I could ever at times.  And its nice to know I'm not alone....anyway, here it is ( Predictable )

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September 14th, 2004

Current Music: Good Charlotte - Predictable Subject: predictable.... Time: 12:48 pm Current Mood: stressed

I was listening to GC's new single, Predictable, this morning, and I have to marvel at how much that rings true in a variety of ways. I'm at work now, but I think when I'm home tonight I'll see if I can write out the lyrics, because seriously, those lyrics reverberate through my head at how much they ring true to my life. Its almost scary how they do. Yet, at the same time, they don't seeing as how he's talking about falling in love. But the lyrics, except those parts about love, hold true to so many relationships and friendships in my life. Its so predictable how things will inevitably fall apart, despite the promises and assertions. Its nice to know that others experience the same I do, even if spoken in a different context. Walpole is opening this weekend, I'm working like a bastard for the next few weeks, so don't be surprised if I'm not around much or headin off to bed early. I'm gonna need my sleep after all this! The good news is that I'm supposed to get a raise, which I'm looking forward to. I have my eye on a ring that I may just reward myself with after we sign the 19 contracts in the next month. Thats a lot of money that'll give me a little to play with. :o) Life is good, for once, and finally. The drama has ended and is gone, and I'm done with it. Thank God for the relief of the cessation of the drama. I don't know why....eh, it isn't worth my time or energy to even contemplate and get into again. On the other hand I think all the stress with the opening of Walpole and all is taking its toll and I find myself having daily headaches again. Hopefully that'll go away after this weekend, because I really hate them. Thank God for Excedrin! LOL okay, better get back to work now! ttyl! :o)

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September 6th, 2004

Time: 09:47 pm Current Mood: busy

Fill it out if you're bored, and or have the time. Doesn't take long, really.  Kill me for it if you want. 1. Who are you? 2. Are we friends? 3. When and how did we meet? 4. Do you have a crush on me? 5. Would you kiss me? 6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. 7. Describe me in one word. 8. What was your first impression? 9. Do you still think that way about me now? 10. What reminds you of me? 11. If you could give me anything what would it be? 12. How well do you know me? 13. When's the last time you saw me? 14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? 15. Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?

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September 3rd, 2004

Time: 10:21 pm

its amazing what one person, one friend, can do for you when you need a friend.  I mean, one person who really cares and pays attention to what you say and whats wrong and even if theres no answer, gives the best advice and thoughts that they can to help you through what you're attempting to deal with...Just one pweron who cares can make a world of difference.  Thank you Manda for being there when I needed a friend tonight.  Thank you for getting me to smile and laugh and helping me to see that theres things that I still can and need to do in the given situation...thanks for being here, you're awesome *grins n hugs*  love ya hon pawsox tomorrow, cookout sunday....day off monday!!!!!  woo hooo!

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